Hello to my audience of two! It has been a long time since I have been on to blog and to be honest, I haven't had much to say... and to be completely honest, I may have gone through a bit of depression. Why you may ask? I'm not entirely sure...maybe its the stress of having the kids constantly misbehave with me, maybe its feeling lonely at times. And maybe you are thinking, "how can she be lonely? She has a family!" While this is true, things haven't always been easy and sometimes I feel like I care more for others than they care for me. But I'm ok! :) It was a phase of my own insecurities and I am being proactive about my life and working on changing myself and through prayer, hopefully my ability to handle situations will become better.
Sometimes it's hard being the way that I am. I tend to care probably more than I should. I worry about those I love.. worry about their safety, their choices, their relationships, just about everything. Do I enjoy doing this? Not at all... I hate feeling so out of control and the thing is, I fully understand that I have no control or maybe even say in how their life pans out, but why do I still care?? Sometimes I wish I didn't.. and at one point, I didn't. I was young, and my heart hardened. I didn't feel... it was like my heart stopped beating. It scared me to a point where I was frightened that I would forever be doomed to feel that way, like Ebeneezer Scrooge, wrapped up in my own selfish desires and caring only about ME and NOT caring who was hurt in the process. So I prayed... I prayed HARD. God softened my heart, and I became almost overly sensitive (go figure lol).
This past Sunday, my family and I went to church and during the message given by our pastor on a marriage series, he mentioned the above quote from Charles Swindoll. It was so profound and really resonated with me, because it applies to everyone and really placed a new perspective on locking away your heart. I have been tempted (especially recently) to do this..to keep my walls up and lock my heart up so that it could no longer feel the pain of disappointment, loneliness, brokenness, etc. But when it comes down to it, you really are choosing to allow your heart to rot that way. In today's world, everyone looks out for #1, themselves. The motto is "do what is best for YOU," or "follow YOUR heart." And while that may seem wise in this world, nothing could be more selfish. If you follow that advice, you are only out to make yourself happy despite if it is right or wrong and no matter who you lose or damage in the process. Enter "I'd like to thank all the little people I had to step on to get here!" The heart can be wonderful and caring, but it can also be wicked and deceitful. (Jeremiah 17:9)
So I made a choice. I choose to keep my heart available to others. Some will call me foolish for doing so, and maybe I am. But through the pain and experiences, you LEARN and you grow! Will I get hurt? Yes. Will others try to take advantage of me? Absolutely. But let me tell you this, nothing brings me more happiness, than knowing I have helped others or have been a tool to bless another. Whether its making them laugh, cooking for them, giving something to help them out, or even just a piece of my heart and life. The feeling I get knowing I somehow made a difference to brighten their day, makes me feel priceless. And that is something I would forever miss out on, the millions of opportunities to feel that if my heart was locked away in my casket of selfishness. Now understand this, it is impossible to make EVERYONE happy. It just is, but if you are doing right and doing it with LOVE, then the other person's disappointment is entirely on themselves and something God needs to reveal to them.
Maybe your heart has been locked up, maybe you are scared and have been wrung and burned and broken more than you thought would ever happen, but there IS hope. It's not too late. And if you are looking to be REALLY happy- take it out, dust it off, and go help somebody. Talk to the elderly neighbor across the street. Call up an old friend, Pay a strangers tab at a restaurant, make somebody laugh, pray for someone and let them know you are, there are millions of opportunities given to us all. We just have to seize them. <3
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